Why Is a Mouse When It Spins?

The town of Skallsville, NH, is known for its vinegar and its consumption of mason jars. One local resident said it was “akin to living on the inside of a thing of delicious pickles.” He asked to remain unnamed. Looking at Skallsville’s history, one would think it was just another vinegar town, but we at Why Is a Mouse When It Spins have found that to be not quite completely true.

Tony and Little Sahsahl, inventors.

Some people say that the Gods did not want us to have fire, and punished Prometheus for his thievery. Others say you cannot step into the same limo twice. Tony and Little Sahsahl, residents of Skallsville (pictured above), were dissatisfied with the lack of wheeled things in their town. You see, Skallsville had outlawed any and all wheeled transport after the Brine Spill of 1808, which caused many foot problems and short hemlines.

Punishment for violations were odd by today’s standards, and included such archaic things as The Stork and Chopping, Not Quite (pictured below).

The Stork, an ancient punishment for wheeled transport.

Tony and Little were unswayed by the crazy rhetoric of the Town Fathers, and set about, in secret, to perfecting their so-called “Bouncy Wheel Cushions.” They were quite young and unaware of the existence of tires.

Two years later, their prototype was developed and embraced by the Town Senate. But Tony and Little had lost interest and were totally into the popular Cup-and-Ball game (known as a “boliche” in Spanish-speaking countries, and as a “bilboquê” in Brazil, all places the children never visited.).

Chopping, Not Quite

Is an invention any less because it already existed? Is it really stealing if nobody knows? We may never know the answers to these, or any other, questions. But history rolls on, its path a little less bumpy thanks to the Bouncy Wheel Cushions of time.

Young folks in Whippet County will tell you they haint never had no crime, but ask the older generation, they’ll tell you a story; possibly two.

The early 1900′s it was. A cold winter had passed, but the spring was taking her time. And so was justice. A general store in Whippet County was experiencing a rash of odd criminality. Even the local law was mystified. They were well used to the gun and the money bag, but the Parmesan Ptarmigan, as he became known, was something altogether different.

I spoke with Mrs. Elly Mae Plantagenet, former employee of the Goodnuff Grocery:

“Well, seein’ as how we was closin’ up, I didn’t yarn my feathers for the bank. We was askin’ the milk boy to go get the pails when all a sudden, there was this slammy sound. I was all a rustled, what with the noises, and we was pleased as punch to get the Reader’s Digest round these parts. Oh boy.”

The news report from that day states that a strange man entered the store and proceeded to empty his pockets onto the counter, leaving cheese and lint piles spaced equally, with great precision.

Parmesan Ptarmigan

This happened several more times, and only when Ellie Mae was working the store alone.

He was never caught, and nobody knows his name. It seems that his baffling piles of cheese remain a mystery for the ages, and more.

In the history of American pastimes, the Yo-Yo is perhaps the most popular of all the toys the world over. We do not actually know, as the rock-on-a-string that predates the Yo-Yo also claims patent rights.

One man, Earl Terhauffte, tried to find a replacement for the Yo-Yo, as he felt it lacked imagination, and that the roundness of the object would negatively affect the chastity of boys and girls in his neighborhood.

He was unsuccessful with the Plough-Yo, the Old-Man-No, and the Holy-Ghost-O, but found lasting success with the Fish-Yo, pictured below.

Many people have travelled to Incriminy Creek to see the people who live there. Local legend tells us that the inhabitants are different in a way that warrants observation. Many have traveled there to see this difference for themselves. What makes this mystery more mysterylike is that people who visit rarely return the same. Or do they? (sigh) OK, look. Truth be told, our team went there and we, well, we lost some time. We don’t quite remember what happened, but we have these photos. If any of you find my wallet, please contact me. Also, we still can’t find Gerald’s hair piece, and he’s getting a bad sunburn. Thanks.

Invisible? Allergic?

Somebody put this in my copy of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. What could it mean?

There is said to be one high point there.

According to our research, toddlers and young children have been trying to get off the ground for many, many years. Now, for the first time, we have photographic evidence of this so-called ‘flight frenzy’ experienced in olden-times by the very young. Why were they so eager to get off the ground? Was there candy up there? Will we ever truly know, and if not, do we want to? Perhaps. Ultimately, however, the answer, like so many balloons, may be lost to the sands of time.

Young Platie Mulrooney, thinking of a flight by parasol.

Chirrep Monatan’s mother kept her from realizing her dream,
this sunny October day.

Young Millicent Seworthy studies the principles of gravity and aerodynamics,
but pretends she is merely playing with a ball.

Sonia Plutarch schemes, adorably.

Look up.

Popular subjects of early photography included humans, babies, curtains, and shrubs. Back then, ghosts were considered to be an ethnic group not worth mentioning, let alone photographing, but once in a while, they would craftily sneak into a photo or two.

Times have changed, and we’ve grown more open-minded. We’re lucky to be able to look back at our photographic heritage & honor the ghosts and goblins of yore. Here’s to the future, with plenty of stuff in it!

Mr. and Mrs. Hennessy may not have noticed the amorphous presence above them, but the photographer seems to have caught it in frame quite nicely:

Freyetta Jacobi and her baby Lila, pictured here near their front porch, were photographed by well-known wandering tradesman Joiffle Pulsipher, who travelled with a capricious and fun-loving ghost:

On this sunny day at school, Leticia, Criabaib and Maddog Meinscharff were photographed by the Mayor. Is that a phantom debutante?

Savor “Salty” Scrubbs seems happy to let the ghost play with his young son, Ira. Recent evidence has come to light that this may be the ghost of wise-cracking Crankhoff Scrubbs, III, but this is not confirmed.

In the land of shadows, dwells a girl.

She keeps the shadows at bay.

Lucy Plumvitae

If you wish to help in her fight, turn a light on.

Unbeknownst to them, these people were in the circus.

How did this happen? Nobody knows. But one thing is certain: nobody likes a tattle-tale.

The Sensibline Twins

The Feltman Contortionists

The Besombreroed Lady

Annie Ponsetter & Her Fancy Bush

The Infantamentalist

If you’re like me, you believe things are as they are only because they are not another way. And further, you believe that anything you DO believe should be held at arm’s length for a long while, be contemplated, and then rejected out of hand.

But one thing that all good-hearted people believe is that if you’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to clean. The people of Grundelfork, SC, took this one step further, some say a step too far.

It all began one rainy afternoon in the mountains near Grundelfork. Mrs. Adamsonsmith was having her morning cigarette while watching her baby eat. She was struck by the sheer laziness of the baby. I mean, really.

Lucy Andersonsmith has time to lean.

So, she put her daughter to work on the kitchen. This was such a success, despite the shoddy, lack-luster job she did, that soon families all over town began having their toddlers dust, shelve books, and wash the dog.

This project was short-lived, however, since babies are unable to read fabric care labels. This incidentally led to the famous Grundelfork Laundry Boom of ’49, which really put the town on the map. That’s a terrifically funny story, but we don’t have time for it now.

We at Why Is a Mouse When It Spins have stumbled across disturbing photographic evidence.

Do you see what happens?

This could be a day at the park spent burying Pepper. Or maybe it’s something unpleasant. We urge you draw your own conclusions based on my wild speculations. Make a game of it.

The important thing is, this is all true.

UPDATE: We in no way encourage the thought that they were burying their daughter as punishment.